The War Against Ants

Human beings have never, in their time of great destruction and apathetic approach to preserving the environment, been able to make a species of insect go extinct. The reason for this is that insects are hardy and breed swarms of innumerable size. Yes, insects are great creatures. Ants, a common and successful species, operate in a hive and are very resourceful and strong. I HATE ants. I Hate them. I LOATHE ants. Ever since I first moved to California I've hated them. I wish that I could find a magnifying glass large enough to burn a square foot of area so I could kill ants faster. You see, out here... they're everywhere. The only place that I have lived in that didn't have ants is my old apartment, and the only reason was that we had silverfish, which I guess scared the ants.

So in my first place out here I would have to watch thousands of ants walking around while I was on the toilet. I would try to squish the ones I saw but there were too many and I just couldn't get a handle on it. Also, I was afraid of ants crawling up my legs and such. There was no getting rid of them.

In my new place, I seemed to be lucky. No ants at first. Then they appeared. First in the bathroom, around the sink. Then in the kitchen, around the sink there too. hrmm... not many of them yet. I decided this was war. I would vanquish these ants and live ant free. At first, I tried squishing them. While this is gross, it works. The ants that came into my view died. Yes, the queen would learn that there's a new guy in town and that he's killing her boys that come into his territory. Die you little bastards.

But the squishing didn't stop them. I knew it really wouldn't. So one day I discovered that they were coming out of the drainage hole in the bathroom sink. So, I put the plug in the sink and turned on the water. Then I set about taking care of those ants already out of the sink. As the water began to drain down the little hole I smiled. Any ant close to that tube was getting a much deserved bath. Die you little bastards.

But they came back. And they were all over the kitchen counter too now, on my dirty dishes. So I started the flooding there too. Ants crawled away like rats on a sinking ship, some even stranded atop floating plates which I gleefully pushed under, watching them drown. MUAHAHAHA!!! I finished the job by pushing the ants on the counter to a watery doom.

And yet again, the ants returned. It seemed like they were diminished in numbers slightly but they were really starting to piss me off. So now, I have purchased Ant Traps. The little domes that smell like peanut butter and spell ant destruction. As I placed the trap on the bathroom counter I watched the nearby ants stumble in confusion and eventually walk right into the lair of death I had put out for them. Hopefully this will turn the tide in my favor. If not... well... at least it's not silverfish.