Other Overlooked Celebrations

I have been asked very sweetly by Jesse to contribute an article to National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, and I don't intend to fail to deliver! In fact, all this talk about unrecognized holidays has gotten me thinking about other previously unnoticed, uncelebrated holidays. I've decided to take a little slice of time out of my pie to discuss these holidays. It was a little tough because unknown holidays are well, unknown. So, I had to do some digging. Once you read over some of them, I am sure you'll agree that it's only a matter of days before everyone jumps on the bandwagon. Here are the especially good (and by good, I mean patriotic, American, and therefore correct) holidays:

  • "Tell a Joke About a Black Person Day"   Well, some people are going to protest, "that's every day!" but NOT SO. There used to be only one day. I am not too sad about this turning into a year-round thing, though, because anyone who knows me knows how much I like my black jokes.

  • "National Start a Riot and Steal What You Want Day"   Especially popular in California, this holiday seemed to have been formed around the 1990's in retaliation to the above-forgotten holiday. It soon escalated into "National Start a Riot, Loot, and Scare People Off the Streets Month". When the fun got out of hand, they banned this holiday, saying it gave minorities a bad name. But let me pose this question to those who banned the holiday: how did you get the computer that you're reading this on? That's what I thought.

  • "National Give Me (Christina) Money Day"   This one just got passed by Congress, and is probably the most important, new, unknown holiday. It's going to revolutionize holidays. Instead of just being one day, it's going to be every and any day. If you're unfamiliar with the holiday, just PayPal me $5 and I will fill you in some more. As a bonus, I'll send you instructions on how to get your own holiday passed. beenough@aol.com. Thanks.

  • "National Pretend You're a Minority Month"   This is where you whine about the way your ancestors were treated. The cool thing about this holiday is that everyone can participate. If you're European, you can just whine about how your ancestors came here originally to escape persecution. Or, you can go for the intellectually challenging and baffle them with bullshit, "I am marginalized as a middle class white." Careful, though. Some minorities whine louder and have had more practice. If you're not skilled, avoid celebrating in this way. If that fails, pull the "I am part Native American" card. Everyone is part Native American, why not abuse the excuse of abuse they suffered and use it to your own ends? If you're wondering why this is an entire month, and not just a day or a week, it's probably because your ancestors whined about only getting a week. Wusses.

    ...And, my favorite:
  • "National Hit a Frenchman With his Stupid Hat and Call Him a Sissy Day"   I really think this one is going to get big. Well, as soon as I start telling hick people who enjoy the "Freedom Fries" concept about it, it will.

    That concludes the first round of holidays that I've dug up. You really should re-read that send Christina money holiday because I've put in some extra work, weeding out the unnecessary holidays for you. Primo stuff here. Think about it.

    Disclaimer: I don't really tell jokes about black people. Well, at least not any I would admit to telling.

    -Christina.

    Despite being possibly the most racially diverse girl I've ever known, Christina still manages to rise above adversity and achieve new heights in racism. Also, I must say that while entertaining, I have no actual evidence supporting the claims that these are real holidays. Unlike National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, which is most definitely real, and always has been,