Brit Kicking 2002: The Problem With Canada

a paper by Erik F Friend (USA mutha fucka)

Each year is full of holidays. Some of these holidays have existed for centuries, such as Christmas (aka P-Day aka Present Day), Easter, the day where you hide and then re-find some psychodelic eggs, and Thanksgiving, the day that billions of genetically engineered turkeys are slaughtered so your drunk step-father can stand on the table with a glass of wine in one hand and a carving knife in the other.

Some holidays are modern creations, like the newest holiday entitled "Los Angeles Laker Day". The details of this holiday are not yet clear, but I think it has something to do with getting together with some black people and setting fire to police cars and mailboxes in front of the Staples Center. Also, you are allowed to do this if you are Mexican.

Lastly, we have touching, heartfelt, uniting holidays where we celebrate how great we are at the expense of others. These holidays include Independance Day, a day where every man, woman, and child gets to blow shit up, and finally National Kick A Brit In The Nuts Week.

The beauty of NKaBitNW (National Kick A Brit In The Nuts Week) is that its a whole week long. Also, its National! That means wherever you are in the USA during the third week of August, you can rest assured that Brits are getting their brit balls smashed hard from coast to coast. It's an amazing sense of unity and it brings a tear to my eye every year.

Now, its come to my attention that the success of last years NKaBitNW has caused some alarm in the British community. What we've seen happen is a spike in international travel which can be attributed to Brits taking 8 day vacations from the US back to the UK. "But Erik," I hear you say, "a week is only 7 days long." The reason for the extra day is that a lot of younger kids, ages 5-8, have trouble winding down after a fun-filled week of swift kicks to the bean-bag. They tend to spend that morning-after in search of one last "nostagia kick," since they know they'll otherwise have to wait another 358 days for the next NKaBitNW.

Due to the increased travel, a question is often raised. "What if I cant find a Brit to kick?" I'm about to offer a suggestion that will solve this problem. I've done a bit of research and have concluded that the infamy of the Brits extends far beyond the border of Her Majesty's dinky little island. You will recall from your history classes in school that pre-1776 the American were rightfully upset with their treatment. This caused a little war. The Americans won the war and the British were forced to recognize the United States as its own country. Because of the war Britain lost much of its land, and had a bad relationship with the United States. The land left over was called British North America. This would become Canada almost 100 years later.

"Canada!?", I hear you cry? "But Canadians are harmless, aren't they?" I'm here to answer, "NO!" I present, as evidence, this snippet of text from the "British North America Act, 1867, 30-31 Vict., c. 3 (U.K.)," which is the following...

An Act for the Union of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick, and the Government thereof; and for Purposes connected therewith. [29th March 1867]

Whereas the Provinces of Canada, Nova Scotia, and New Brunswick have expressed their Desire to be federally united into One Dominion under the Crown of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland, with a Constitution similar in Principle to that of the United Kingdom:


Thats right folks. Those Canadians actually WANTED to be united UNDER the Brits, using the Brittish Constitution as the template.

It pains me to admit this now, but at the time I made this discovery I had been romantically involved with a Canadian. At first, I questioned the evidence, which strongly supported a link between Canada and the UK. If this was true, our relationship was akin to treason! I knew what I had to do. NKaBitNW was approaching, and I had no intention of letting any no-good Canadian off the hook this year. For the record, when dealing with female Brits, a variant technique is allowed, sometimes named "National Hit A Brit In The Tits Week."

We separated shortly thereafter, thus releasing her into the pool of available Brits for kicking. What this all means is be sure not to forget about the Canadians this National Kick A Brit In The Nuts Week. Because the more nuts for kickin', the more patriotism there is, and we all know that since 9/11 what this country need is good, old-fashioned patriotism. So, if each and every one of you does your part, our Brit kicking spirit will send a message to those al-Qaeda terrorists.

Do your part, America!

Erik is a supporter and lover of National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week as well as a friend of the Usian Council.