Exposing an Ugly Conspiracy

So the Editorial Board of Usian.org was very persuasive in convincing me to write another essay for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. Actually, I should say, Jesse was mighty persuasive, especially holding the Editorial Board(TM) in his hand, and pounding it threateningly against his palm. Then he locked me in a dark room and threatened to release the rats. I pretty much gave in then. Well, is it just me, or have we always been at war with East Asia?

But onto the subject at hand: National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week. My last effort delved into the little known history of our great holiday through the early part of the 19th century. Everyone was pretty farking bored by that, and most people, when filling out random Usian.org visitor satisfaction surveys indicated that the popularity of said essay was due almost entirely to The Ugliest Picture of Me on the Internet(TM).

The Ugliest Picture of Ben on the Internet(TM)
This IS the ugliest picture of Ben on the internet.

This time, however, I've hit on a surefire topic, one guaranteed to make the wire services, and maybe even Google News. We all know everybody loves conspiracies. We also know everybody is gonzo over conspiracies that took place during World War II. At least, everybody who watches the Hitler, I mean History Channel does. So, it all began in 1943, when depth charges forced a German U-Boat to the surface. On board was a working copy of the German code-decyphering device dubbed the Enigma machine by the brave boys of Bletchely Park.

Ouch! -- The Editorial Board(TM) informs me that Usian.org is striving for a younger demographic. Apparently Usian.org is trying, in order to raise ad revenue, to appeal to the 18-35 set, who have never heard of World War II. Lucky for us, the conspiracy only began in the hazy days following... ah hell, fuck it-- let's skip right to the Beatles. That's right, the Beatles. John, Paul, George, and Ringo. All of them Brits. Yeah okay, so you know where this is going: during their first American tour, the meat of which happened to coincide with National Kick a Brit in the Nuts week, the Fab Four were subjected to a very inglorious welcome.

By this time, its empire dismantled, hanging its head in shame, Britain was desperate to expand its influence in any way possible. Apple Records called up Downing Street, and the message was relayed through secret but identifiable channels, all the way to MI5. The British Secret Service, keenly aware that the attention span of an average American surpassed in the animal kingdom only that of the African fruit fly, and was on par with the common goldfish, went into action. They trained and placed agents at all the major publishers of calanders, reminders, and date-books, for a dangerous and important mission.

One year later, National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week failed to occur! For, every calander printed that year mysteriously left the date unmentioned. This was the greatest conspiracy ever performed by an intelligence service, and remained uncorrected for decades, until one courageous website brought the travesty to light, and restored to a hungry people once again their blissful holiday. And yes, the Ugliest Picture of Me on the Internet(TM) is still available.

It sure is...   Ben is the longtime butt of many usian.org jokes, some of which include pooping in the car. But aside from the jibes he graciously accepts, he has been a contributer in all three years of usian.org's National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week celebrations. He is the artist responsible for 2001's celebration image. He also guided Erik and I through London on my trip to Europe, during which the Ugliest Picture of Ben on the Internet(TM) was taken.