Kicking Brits, or How to Spend Your Summer Vacation

Last year, I celebrated National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week probably more than I have ever celebrated it in my life. Not only did I spend an entire week devoted to filling pages of content revolving around it, but we threw a party to celebrate. The party was a big success, probably one of the best we have ever thrown, AND there was a Brit present. I'll get to that later. I've decided that in addition to telling people about the history and news surrounding such a forgotten holiday, I want to share my experience on how to celebrate National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week too. Aside from just finding a guy who talks funny and booting him in the nads.

When I originally heard about the holiday, I was mostly a shut in. I didn't have many friends with which to have a party, so I spent the week looking for any Brits that I could kick. I consider this to be the base level of celebration. Putting your booted foot into British crotch is what the holiday is all about, just like Halloween is all about taking candy from strangers. If you don't want to get into it too much, this is all fine and good, but I find that getting into the spirit of things can be fun in this otherwise dull month we call August.

In following years, I stepped up my involvement, letting people know that the holiday was upon on, and spreading cheer by inviting others to come along. On normal days, a bunch of people singling out a target and kicking them would be called gang activity, but during the holidays, it's all in good fun. Celebrating like this can be likened to carolling at Christmas. You walk around singing and annoying people until someone throws a snowball at you, except that during National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, they're throwing things in fear and running away from you and your merry companions.

Last year was the biggest celebration I had ever participated in. I did a weeklong update of my website, showing that I was truly a supporter. I encouraged others to join in on the fun. I kicked British people and things in places that would hurt them. And I helped organize a party on National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Day. Of course, partying and drinking, mixing drinks and getting drunk-- these are all things I would do most any week. But for National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week we tried to go all out. The bar was very well stocked, I believe the bill for liquor alone (discounting beer) reached nearly 100 dollars (this would later be topped by Christmas, which closed on 175 but the party flopped). We also had streamers, balloons, whistles, candy, and a pinata, which was to be our Brit effigy. The pinata was a hit, no pun intended, drawing everyone at the party together to see who would be the first to break open our synthetic "friend" at the groin. I knew that the party was going well when, after already having spilled his sugary guts, people gathered around my friend Rachel chanting as she repeatedly drove the heel of her shoe into the pinata's crotch.

The biggest surprise of last year's party was that an actual real life Brit from Britland showed up. And he had a good time! The biggest reason for this was because my friend Sarah forbade us from harming him in any way. Barring that, he drank the drinks I gave him, circulating the house with them. With each successive drink, his circles around the house got smaller, until he was circling the table outside the kitchen. Eventually, he stood leaned against the wall outside the kitchen because he could no longer stand, asking for more drinks. Everyone who attended got a kick out of having a real Brit there too (though not literally), simply because they had a scapegoat to yell anti-British sentiments at. So I must say that having a Brit at your party, even if you are not allowed to kick him, can make things more exciting.

Now there may be those people who do not know a Brit that they can invite. There may be those who do not wish to throw an all out bash, or cannot spend time planning for such an event. To those people, I say look at the calendar. National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week is a grand American holiday. Before it, in July, you have Independance day, one of the largest holidays of the year. It's generally a very active day with the fireworks, drinking, rough-housing, and other activities. On the other side, in early September, is Labor Day. This is more of a sedate holiday, where you sit back with friends and family and barbeque or relax. A great solution is to take the two and mix them for the holiday that lands in the middle. Barbeque with friends and family, then as night falls, break out the pinata, mannequin or other symbolic Brit (or any real ones you may happen to know), and gather around for few good punts. One of the best things about holidays like these is that they are not steeped in ritual or tradition. There are general activities that you can participate in, but you don't have to get a tree, you don't have to go to church, you don't have to light candles, and Jesus isn't going to see his shadow and declare 4 more months of Winter. Like all other great American holidays, you have the Freedom to kick the British in any manner you choose, be it metaphorical, actual, or substitutional.

Enjoy National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week, everyone. Kick a Brit with the people you love.