Brit Kicking 2002: Number Theory and Vagina Dentata
By Prof. Jeff "Dr. Sniffles" Van Horn, Phd.
Freud once said "Probably no male human being is spared the terrifying shock of
threatened castration at the sight of female genitals." While
certifiably a pervert, a creep and a freebaser of cocaine based
chemicals, Freud had taken a step in the right direction; towards the
truth of Brit Kicking.
In 1121 AD, the land now known as the United Kingdom, was inhabited by a
vast mammallian tribe of Amazons known as the Followers of Asha. This
tribe was ruled by a large animate color. The color was not, however, a
super-intelligent shade of blue. In fact, though distantly related
through marriage, this color was actually a shade of pink, with an IQ of
82. This color, represented in hexadecimal as #39a37f, while very likely
not appearing as pink, seeing as how i went out of my way to make sure
it wasn't pink for the purpose of this paper, may or may not be related
to the pink streak that my drug damaged brain painted over the screen
just a moment ago. To be honest, I'm not interested in the story of the
Asha tribe and #39a37f. I highly doubt you are, either. I'm kind of
curious about the streak though.
To cut to the point; a bunch of stuff happened, and after over three
million years and two time travel portals, the planet entered a dark
age. During this time period, there was a stifling of creativity and
intellectual pursuits. Heading this Luddite brigade of scarfling napets [wtf?],
was a man named Sigmund Freud.
Having spent his childhood as a young black-boy living in the depths of
New York City, and his teenage years reppin' 1-7-1-8, he moved to Europe
to take up practicing dentistry, law, and psychology. While the
psychology and the law businesses folded within weeks of being opened,
his dentistry practice flourished, and soon after he was root canalling
the crowns of Europe.
One of his favorite patients, the King of England, had an interest in
Freud's psychology research. After an extensive yearly check-up, the
King asked to read a few of the texts Freud had written.
The King didn't like it, and called Freud a 'pervert' (which he was), a
'pedophile' (which he also was), a 'heathen' (purely a matter of
personal opinion) and, a 'god-slaying asshole' (which he, arguably,
was not). Not dealing with negative feedback particularly well, Freud proved that he was ahead of his time by delivering a swift kick to the king, right in his British nuts.
Since everyone knows that Freud was the best thing to ever happen to
number theory, we must take offense at the loutish suggestions of the
English. LET THEM LIVE IN TYRANNY FOREVER.
In response to his newfound distate for the king, Freud once again delved deeply into his psychology work. And because of this became famous for his works (and of course hated by many). One could say that Freud's success comes down to the fateful afternoon where he linked himself to the holiday we all hold so dear.
Prof. Jeff Van Horn Phd. is currently teaching philosophy and cosmetology at HK UNniversity in Gainesville, Florida. And while he is a doctor of both fields, he proves here that if you don't sleep for 3 days prior to writing your article, you come off soundinga little like a crackpot.