Why Hast Thou Forsaken Us?

Updates at this site have been very scarce in recent months. Some of you who come back more than once may have noticed that. My friends have actually tapered off their harassment of me because they think I will never update again. There's been a slew of problems though, I didn't have DSL, the site was broken, and other things like that. So what you say? You've had DSL now for a while. Whassamatta fo you? Well. I didn't really want to talk about it, but I felt that the site was important enough to lay the important question to rest. For the last few weeks, days months, I'm not even entirely sure... I've been a captive of the South American pirate overlord: Emanual Escobar.

It all started a little while back, when I was strolling around Old Town Pasadena. I was trying to get some people to go visit my site. A man came up and asked me if I was harassing the people I was talking to. They both said yes and the man looked at me pretty sternly. As it turns out he was part of Escobar's organization. Now I hadn't talked to Escobar in a few years, and I guess the old man had gone crazy drinking Absynth. This man talking to me told me Escobar wanted to have a word with me. I told him I was rather busy and that I would have to call him later on. He then bonked me on the head and tossed me in his car.

When I woke up I was on a small plane headed for Ecuador. I wondered what was going on and then I felt the bump on my head. The Co-pilot pointed the business end of a very mean looking pistol at me and said something in spanish that I didn't entirely understand. I took it to mean: "stop trying to chew through that seat belt we have you tied up with", so I stopped. When we landed I was blindfolded and led onto a sea vessel. After we had left the port, I knew that I was on a pirate ship just by the constant singing of "yo ho yo ho a pirate's life for me!". I already knew Escobar was involved in my capture, but now I knew where they were taking me: La Costa Del Diablo 2.

I spent the few hours before nightfall when we arrived sitting in a room by myself. The walls were thin and made of some reed or bamboo. They kept me coked up pretty good so i couldn't really concentrate. Eventually everything died down, and I was set to meet with Emanual. He told me about all the wonderful things he thought were going on in the world around him. How the CIA's new anti-pirate stance was firmly set on bringing him down, how the planes in the sky would drop teddy bears full of C4 on his ships. All manner of crazy things. The Old Man had lost his marbles. And replaced them with small rocks.

Trying to deal with Escobar was of no use. He was a paranoid delusional wreck. Eventually, after a long long time and a lot of sitting around, I got bored of staying on Escobar's pirate stronghold isle. I rigged a makeshift radio from a stick of chewing gum, a potato, a coat hanger, and a dog intestine, and I called for help. Unfortunately my highly disgusting makeshift two-way radio had very little range. So I decided to take the chair I was sitting on and smash it over my guard's head. I then proceeded to meet up with my man on the inside of Escobar's organization (who cannot be named), and head back to the United States.

Once I was home, I called up Emanual's mother and told her what had happened. She told me that she had already scolded him for the drug ring and the kidnappings but that she would send down the family doctor Ernesto De Montoyo, to have a talk with him. She also said that she was cutting off his allowance and that I should be expecting an apology in the mail in a few weeks.

I haven't yet received the apology, so I can't scan it as proof that this happened. But what else short of a kidnapping would keep me from updating my site regularly?