Best of 2003: Which, I'm Told, Has Ended

Much like 2002, 2003 came to a close with an amazing lack of content for It's become somewhat of a tradition around here to punctuate each year with amazing neglect. Now, just like 2003, I will begin 2004 with a list article. And like 2003, this list article will contain the best events of the previous year. In addition to these traditions, the list will be mostly false, and won't encompass most of the year, as I really only remember the last few months, just like last year's list.

But enough about 2002 and early 2003. There's an entire year just passed to reminisce about. 2003 was a year filled with days, nights, weeks and months. Mildly humorous silliness aside, some important things happened. I got a new job, I visited New York City, I printed t-shirts, and I ate an amazing amount of pizza. That doesn't cover anything, but when I think back over the last year, I sure to think about pizza a lot.

While I could tell 5 or six stories about pizza I ate, I haven't spent any time preparing for that topic. So, instead, I'll try to fill that pizza shaped void with some of the best and worst of 2003.

  • Funniest thing I said in 2003: What if Blanka had become as popular as Mario?
    While the above isn't actually hilarious on it's own, the resulting conversation brought me great joy. If Blanka had risen to Mario's heights we could be enjoying such great games as Blanka Golf, Blanka Kart Racing, Blanka Kong Country, Dr. Blanka, and Super Blanka World. Instead we're relegated to the plumber. He can't even shock people, or do backflips, or howl.

    Runner Up: Osama Bin Bongo

  • Best article of 2003: Why wouldn't a thousand words on presidents and farts be funny?
    Originally just a passing comment used in an excuse for not updating, I got called on my bluff. Not one to back down, I ended up writing one of my favorite articles of 2003. Not only do I try my hand at a little political humor, but I also managed to tie in Garfield, fart jokes, and the undead. Anything gets better when you add the undead. Except funerals. Life if your great aunt sits up in her coffin and bites your cousin, instantly turning him into a zombie. And then you realize that the embalmer is a zombie already too, and he's barred the door. And then the whole thing just turns into a post mortem buffet!
    Runner Up: What are ass pills?

  • Drunkest I was in 2003: November 1st
    That I remember the date should indicate that I wasn't that drunk really, but the reason I remember this was because it was the day after halloween and I was wearing werewolf gloves. Halloween was rained out, so in an effort to salvage things, I went to a local bar with fake chest hair and a pair of rubber werewolf gloves on. I had left my mask somewhere the night before, and it didn't facilitate drinking anyway, so I wasn't very convincing. Nearing the end of the night, I realized I should have stopped drinking about three drinks ago. Then some friends show up and someone says: "A round on me!". Not one to pass up a free drink, I stumble home in the cold. I remember starting into the crosswalk then forgetting how to walk, and waving a car around me before regaining my ability to move. Arriving home, I started getting really upset because I thought I had left my coat at the bar. A minute or so later, I remembered I was wearing it.
    Runner Up: Xtreme Drunkeness 2003 (aka Mike & Missy's Birthday)

  • Best load of laundry in 2003: Pants, mid-July
    Man, that was a great load of laundry. One basket full of pants, which I normally wear on my legs and for concealing my underwear (which conceals my genitals). I washed em, dried em, and later on... I wore em. I probably took them off eventually too. Man, the wild California life.
    Runner Up: Emergency Mixed Load, late March

  • Failed resolution of 2003: Write more
    Coming off a year in which I wrote more than any other in my life, I made the resolution that I would write even more, in an attempt to legitemize my desire to be a real boy... err I mean a real writer. I made this resolution shortly after midnight at a New Year's party. So how did I hold up? Well I failed. Miserably. Shortly after the year began I lost my routine and stopped working on all of my long term projects. I also took neglect of to new heights this year. Needless to say, after last year's failed experiment with a resolution, you won't be seeing a section for any type of resolution in the "Best of 2004" article.
    Runner Up: I can only take one miserable failure a year, there were no other resolutions

  • Best Lesbians of 2003: Madonna, Britney, Christina Kiss
    It was the biggest news around when it happened and I missed it. I tried to watch MTV in order to catch it on the 24/7 reruns of the VMA's that usually go on for a month afterwards, but couldn't stand to watch more than a few minutes every time I made an attempt. I saw enough still photos of the event to use my imagination to fill in the gaps though. Man was that hot. Every man loves lesbians when there's a pretty good chance they're just doing it to get a lot of attention and that the sexy girls kissing aren't done with men for good. I also endorse these lesbians as the best because of the obvious Christina Aguilera / Ass Pills tie in mentioned above.
    Runner Up: If I talk any more about lesbians, every search engine on the internet will collapse in on me.

  • Longest String of Curse Words in 2003: 16, me, September
    Goddamn motherfucking fucker fuckhead shit bitch pussy cunt shitfucker asshole cocksucker dick shit bitch pussy cunt.
    Runner Up: 10, Ben, goddamned fucking asshole shithead pissfucker cuntlicking whorebitch fucking fuck fucker!

    So there it is. 2003 in a nutshell. Before you write to me, I know that Osama Bin Bongo was funnier. Despite my lack of shining comedic genius in the face of Bin Bongo, 2003 turned out okay. My wish for 2004? To meet Christina Aguilera so I can finally ask her face to face about the Ass Pills. Oh, and like, happiness and stuff; but ass pills first.