Best of 2002, usian.org Tries to Remember

With the recent expiration of all milk dated 12/31/02 and the end of the year 2002, the time has come to reflect on the past 365 days and try to pick out the best things to be placed in the permanent record. It was a pretty darn good year, and 2003 will be hard pressed to keep up with the records set last year. But that's why we make these lists: so we can watch as our lives become less and less spectacular as the slowly closing grip of age crushes us into dust. Errr... I mean: So we have goals!

With the recent drought of content, even a Best of list sounded like a good idea for an update. So I will be trying to recall the best moments or things in a few catagories of life to remember 2002 by. As often is the case, things mentioned may be somewhat esoteric, so I will try to explain why each event went above and beyond for the year. And to those of you who don't give a crap about my year, there will be at least one embarassing picture of me looking really really drunk.

  • The funniest thing that I said in 2002: "Osama Bin Bongo"
    I was at a show benefitting RAINN and a band featuring about 12 different instruments was on stage. When the lead singer stepped aside I caught glimpse of a bearded man wearing a turban and a white robe, grooving out on the bongo. Seizing the opportunity, I pointed and exclaimed the above. If I had known it would be the funniest thing I would say all year, I would have said it louder.

  • The coolest thing I found out in 2002: Spanking people with a bible is really fun.
    I had four costumes for Halloween this year. I was a mummy, which was very well received but extremely hot and took a half hour to put on and take off. The second was a zombie, which basically used only the mask from my mummy costume and a half tucked in shirt. Third was Uncle Sam, a reprisal of my National Kick a Brit in the Nuts Week costume. My fourth costume, though, was a priest, including a borrowed bible and a piece of cardboard stuck into my collar. I must say, the bible can be pretty handy sometimes.

  • Closest I came to actually killing someone in 2002: Erik, in the Frankfurt airport.
    During my trip to Europe, somewhere in France, Erik got sick with some sort of evil flu. Starting in the French Alps and continuing for the entirety of the trip henceforth, Erik coughed. He coughed nearly every 5 seconds for about 7 days and probably continued coughing when he got home. Due to airline hell in Rome, we took a detour to Frankfurt for 13 hours and ended up sleeping on benches there. I wanted more than anything in the world to sleep, but Erik would not stop coughing. Every time I almost fell asleep, coughing would erupt from the bench next to me and wake me up. At one point I looked at him and thought I could probably smother him with my bag, leaving him unconcious and quiet, so I could to sleep. I never followed through with my plan, and I didn't get much sleep that night either.

  • Drunkest I was in 2002: I don't remember.
    I hope that this isn't the funniest thing that I say in 2003. I must say though, I really don't remember which time I was the most drunk in 2003. To make good on my promise above, though, here is a picture of me making someone very nervous just by standing next to him. Notice how disgusting my shirt is, that's because I was mixing drinks the entire evening, and as my intoxication progressed my shirt's thread to alcohol content rose exponentially. I think the goal of every New Year's Eve party is to set this record. Although I did make myself look quite silly that night, I'm sure I was even more embarassing in the night pictured.

  • Worst movie I saw in 2002: Signs. Jesus Christ it was bad.
    Goddamn what a horrible movie! Now it's out on DVD! Now you can own one of the most horrible movies I've ever seen and torture your friends and family with it. I don't need to go into how stupid this movie was because I already devoted a long review to it. Read my review of Signs here. God... it was so bad.

  • Most powerful dump taken in 2002: "The Toilet Killer"; Rome, Italy
    when we went to Europe, I had said it would be a drinking tour. It turned out to be more of a farting and shitting tour. The entire trip we were plagued by horrible gas and I took several of the most potent craps of my life in Europe. The best of these, and the best of the year was aboslutely horrible. I left it in the hotel we stayed at in Rome. I shouldn't describe it, but it was monstrous. It took several flushes to get rid of it and left a wake in the air and the bowl that makes me shudder to remember.

  • Best embrace of my inner geek in 2002: Five straight days of Dungeons and Dragons
    LAN parties normally top this list, but during my Christmas vacation in 2002 I played D&D every day for five straight days. I woke up, went to my friends house, rolled dice and talked in a funny voice, went home and slept. Then I woke up and repeated the process. It was a ton of fun, but built up massive geek points that may never wash away even if I become famous some day. At least no one's ever been kept out of politics for this sort of thing.

  • Most commented on article of 2002: September 11th rant
    While it wasn't an article, I am pretty fond of it. The comments almost unanimously, though, were on the last sentence. I knew it would be a little shocking when I wrote it, but I never expected so many people to respond, not with support, not with slander, but with wow. To be amazed that I'm not 100% solid cycnicism, read it here.

    And finally...

  • Best non-question entered in the Ask Us form in 2002: See below
    > Senat0r Jesse: You cannot wear DIGNITY
    > and BUTT PLUG at the same time."
    
    Ain't that the truth.
    

    This really made me laugh. Also, it's probably one of the few things entered in the Ask Us form that isn't either: "r u gay?" or "haha u r gay lol"

    Well, that's it for the list. Some of these will hopefully stay on top of their 2003 counterparts, and some will hopefully be eclipsed. Only time will tell. Hopefully Osama Bin Bongo doesn't top my decade, that would be pretty bad.