Things I Could Do With a Giant Robot

The Japanese really have a good thing going on with all the giant robot stuff they use in their cartoons and comics. I really like giant robots a lot. I like robots in general a lot. I was OBSESSED with Transformers. Very Obsessed. As a kid I didn't have as much of a toy income allotted as some might, but my obsession with robots could not be quenched. An example of this were the wooden Transformers me and my dad designed. Those were some dooseys. Their heads came off, because I really liked Headmasters at the time they were conceived. They all turned into tanks too. But anyway, I like robots. And I would definitely love to have a giant robot straight out of a Japanese Anime cartoon. So, in realizing this wish, I've devised a list of things that I could use a giant robot for.

- Destroy every call center on the planet.
I look back on my time as a tech support rep and it gives me horrible horrible pains. I want to spare everyone from this forever. I will step on every call center in the world, using my giant megaphone to inform the techs inside that they have 5 minutes to put their customers on hold and run outside before I start smoshing.

- Beat the shit out of Godzilla.
This guy's been causing trouble and stepping on cute little japanese girls for way too long. And a giant robot is the way it's gonna end.

- Never fly the friendly skies again.
I'm sick of airports, I never want to be in one for a flight ever again. And since all giant robots can fly (Duh!), when I get mine, I won't have to ever see the inside of LAX ever again.

- Blow up SUV's.
I hate SUV's with a passion. I would stand over the freeway and shoot them with my laser eyes for hours on end. And what police force would dare stand up to me and 30 stories of reinforced steel and titanium. Plus, if they send the military I'll just grab their little planes out of the air and throw them right back at them.

- Stop Megatron.
Another trouble maker. Megatron killed Optimus Prime. I cried when that happened. It's time for some goddamn payback.

- Go to the Moon.
I've always wanted to go there, and a lot of people are skeptical about the mission to the moon that happened in the 60's, so I'd bring back some pictures to get those whackos off of USENET.

- Bring peace to the Middle East.
Once again, anyone who doesn't respect the robot, gets stepped on.

- Shoot my robot fists into a mountain or something.
I've just always wanted to do this. It's always cool in the cartoons when the fists shoot off and they have little rockets on the back.

That's about it. I mean I'm sure I would do plenty of other things, a lot of them involving stepping on people and such, but those are the major items on my agenda. I think I'd like my robot to be mostly white with black and silver trim. That would look pretty spiffy. I'm sure I could get it repainted later if I didn't like the color as much.