Why wouldn't a thousand words on presidents and farts be funny?

Originally posed as an Ask Us question, the topic of this article is a deep one. Perhaps too deep to be summed up in a short cynical retort. Because I know that it is also a very important issue among my readers I decided to give it the attention it deserved.

To start off, we have two elements to the concept. The first is presidents. The most likely choice of course would be our current president, Mr. G Dubya Bush. I myself am not a big fan of his, mainly for his chimpanzee-like appearance but also in some ways related to his policies, lineage, mannerisms, and general public image. These are of course minor. Monkeys are great, but a president who looks like a monkey is not. I wouldn't follow a monkey into battle, even if he was dressed in a little soldier's uniform with all the medals. There are other choices as well for the presidential portion of our query. Bill Clinton is still making waves in the world of late night comedy every time someone needs to make a joke about blowjobs or fat chicks. Straying from the obvious cigar/blow job/stained dress jokes I begin to delve into the past. We have Bush Sr, who for all I can remember just went to war and didn't like brocolli. We had Reagan, but it's not nice to make fun of people who have alzheimers, even if they won't remember you did it the next day. And then there's the classic presidential butt of everyone's jokes, James Garfield. Everyone loves to compare former presidents to that loveable cat who can't stop eating, but the joke's just been done to death. Plus he had a beard. Bearded people should be respected... or feared. I can't remember which.

Of course, the second part of our conundrum could bring new life to the tired old jokes that we hear about our beloved presidents. Farts. Farts make everything funny, or at least is the common opinion among many of my friends. I admit that a good number of my friends who support this theory are in fact still in 1st grade and many of them are less than 10 years old, but there are at least a few who are old enough to both drink and drive, though not necessarily in that order. Farts have the ability to enhance many situations where comedy should not be possible. Picture a serene elevator ride to the 8th floor. Somewhere around the 2nd floor, a fart is released, but the unsuspecting passenger boarding the elevator at the 4th floor doesn't know this until it's too late. And of course, this is all punctuated by laughter as the new arrival quickly punches the button for the 6th floor so they can escape the traveling gas chamber and wait for another elevator to come by so they can get where they need to go. Not to say I've done this, but it sure adds levity to what would otherwise be a boring and nondescript portion of your day. It is of course sweetened if the person driven from the elevator prematurely is an executive of some sort. With such obvious comedy potential I can see why one would be pressed not to imagine that volumes could be filled with tales of Abraham Lincoln adding special flatulation clauses to the South's surrender after the Civil War. And ignoring history by assuming that this is truth, it's easy to see why John Wilkes Booth wanted him out of office so badly. It's one thing to loose a war, but it's an entirely different matter to have the other side's leader walking around your town full of beans and methane. Our everyday CNN watching could be so easily spiced up by this. Instead of the publicity stunt of landing a fighter jet on an aircraft carrier, Vice President Cheney could hold down some captured Iraqis while our fearless monkey-leader farts on them. Comedic Genius? Perhaps, but I'm willing to give that one up for my country. I suppose it does fall under cruel and unusual punishment, though, and we are supposed to be doing something over there about human rights or something, so maybe it's not an all-star idea.

We've looked at the two components separately and examined their comedic values, but the question still remains, why not combine them? What's stopping me from whipping up a really hilarious Regan fart article? Well some would say respect. Those people claim that Presidents deserve respect and that farting is not a very dignified or humerous thing to do. Those people are mainly among the group of my friends who aren't into Pokemon and Duplos. Nevertheless, my reader base is small as it is and alienating people with disgusting jokes about smelly ass gas isn't something I should jump at the chance to do. Then there's the fact that I don't have any realistic evidence from which to make wild accusations and theories upon. There's just no footage of our president cutting the cheese. Personally, I think that's related to an elaborate plot to keep farts out of the popular media. With such obvious and easily generated comedic value, farts could easily be added to anything starring humans or animals that talk and stand upright. Hell, even footage of cats walking around with fart noises dubbed over is a little bit funny to me. But with all this farting, it could easily get played out, and then how would you sell movies like Dumb and Dumberer? Without the humor of farts to propel it, the movie industry woudl take a major hit. They want to keep farts from becoming as common and boring as other more mundane bodily funtions. This is easily evidenced in swear words. The reason they are special is because you're not supposed to scream them at people out of moving vehicles. It sure is fun when you do though. In the same vein, it's easy to see how a dozen articles about farts (and many of them involving respected political figures) could quickly diminish the funny factor of the site.

So we've come to a conclusion. While Bill Clinton, Cigars, Blow Jobs, and a big ripping fart might make a really great internet movie to pass around, as an everyday article to be read and passed over, it's just a waste of comedy gold. So there you have it, roughly 1000 words on why an article on Presidents and farts wouldn't be that funny.

Note: Oringinally this article contained a joke about President Garfield dying not from his assassination but from the use of unsterilized operating room instruments. I later decided that the wrath of an undead president and his ghostly secret service men was a little more than I'd like to garner from my website and removed it.