What are ass pills?
I posted a letter on the main page a while back that pertained to pop star and sometimes trashy teen idol Christina Aguilera and a picture of her I saw on The Sun, a british tabloid. The letter posed the question to Christina as to what exactly was sticking out of her pants. To me it looked very much like a condom and something else. That something else, I decided, after careful consideration, was a package of ass pills. Since I was never provided with good contact information for the pop singer and no one knowledgable in the field of medicine contacted me to set me straight, my questions still remain. What are ass pills? What are they good for? Why is she flaunting them in her ass crack? Because of my lust for knowledge, I took it upon myself to research these questions and present you, my adoring public, with the answers I
made up found.
Before delving into the issue, I should refresh you on the image in question, which is here
Looking at the picture you'll notice the two objects that appear to be lodged in her ass crack. There is a blue one and a white one. The blue object very highly resembles a condom. As I mentioned before, Christina Aguilera is often times seen as trashy. And what do trashy women carry around? Well condoms of course. It's very difficult to retain your trashy image if you're abstinent. Having solved the minor riddle we move on to the white object. From the looks of it, it resembles a single serving package of pills, like you would find in a first aid kit with aspirin or excedrin in it. Now if I had pills in my ass crack, you wouldn't find me opening them up and putting them in my mouth, even if they were sealed in sterilized medical paper packaging. That leaves a couple other places, but we know that medical science has an extreme prejudice to nose pills and that ear pills are the stuff of science fiction. Logic dictates that these are ass pills.
Looking through the feedback from the original post, a common opinion is that they are not pills or condoms at all. The popular message I received was that these objects were simply tags in her clothes. I find this to be a ridiculous proposal. Even though scissors are dangerous to children and people with the minds of children, movie stars and pop singers have assistants that can cut the tags out of their clothes for them. Furthermore, noticing that Michael Jackson is in the background of the picture, you'll see the disgusted look on his face. Either he's disgusted at Christina touching his leg, or he's apalled by the ass pills. Personally I find publicly exposed ass pills to be pretty disturbing myself, we can only speculate how the King of Pop would react but I'll bet he wouldn't approve.
None of this, however, answers the burning question: What are ass pills? There's very little information about them on the internet, and I could not find a medical professional who would take my question seriously, so I assumed that they were experimental medicine. The rich and famous are known for wanting the best health care available, FDA approval be damned. So we know she was taking experimental drugs. Another very common treatment sought by the rich and famous is weight loss. Christina Aguilera, while not necessarily without hope, is not as slim as she used to be, so this is definitely an option. Of course, coupled with the condoms, one could be led to believe that the ass pills have something to do with birth control. Doubling up to be safe? A good message to send to the kids, but probably not what we're looking for. My final theory was that is was purely for aesthetic enhancement. Perhaps the pills allow one to finally achieve the proverbial "shit that doesn't stink". This of course would be a boon to snooty assholes everywhere who want to feel superior. There are other less appealing ideas that could be fleshed out as well, such as a topical treatment to a skin or internal nuisance. Clearly that is an excellent use for an ass pill, though not one I'll go into here.
After concluding that the ass pills were experimental medicine, most likely for weight loss or some sort of deodorant, I'm left with the question: Why is she flaunting her pills and condom by sticking them in her butt crack and then going to a show? The answer to this is relatively easy. Many medicines, especially experimental ones, have side effects. Christina was obviously high as a kite. She probably took a few too many ass pills, tried to shove the rest into her back pocket with the handful of condoms but instead crammed them down her pants. Being numb and floaty from the medication, she didn't really notice. Evidence of her state of mind can be seen from the look on her face and her need to steady herself using the King of Pop's leg.
I hope that my extensive research and theory has cleared up this situation. It's plain to see now that the time and effort has been put into this that the objects are most certainly not something as mundane as a pad, piece of paper, or a tag. Unfortunately, after all of this, I wasn't given the chance to insult Christina Aguilera via email or any other means. I was really hoping to get told off by her PR manager or even a bodyguard. But, the famous can often be inaccessable, and I wasn't really willing to put forth the effort to actually go meet her. Especially not to talk about ass pills.