Morning Routines

WARNING: This editorial contains my own strong opinions and disdain for the sheeplike american people. Some of it may offend you especially when I insult your lifestyle and call you a spinless consumer slave. That being said, lets move on.


I was sitting in a Noah's Bagels this morning reading the side of a little carton of orange juice. I did this of course because I was bored. The carton mentionned something in marketting tongue about how I should add drinking a little carton of their juice to my morning routine. Morning Routine. hmmm.. What a corporate term. That's right up there with Synergy, and who knows what the fuck that means.

I don't have a morning routine. My morning routine is wake up, hit the snooze button, fall back asleep, wake up again, curse, shower, and go to work. I'm lucky if I can get there before I'm a half hour late. I don't have time to go get coffee at starbucks, I don't have time to take a jog. I usually don't even have time to comb my hair. Who the hell wakes up extra early just so they can pay 5 bucks for a "Grande" latte. A latte's just a coffee with milk anyway.

Is that what it's like for some people, they need to go get their morning coffee from MethBucks? They need to have a Noah's Bagel every morning, and a little prepackaged 8 ounce thing of orange juice? Do they think it's cool to have a 'morning routine' something to buy every morning before work? Because we all know, if it hurts, buy something! That'll make it all better.

I used to have an Afternoon Routine though, when I would wake up in the afternoon before work. I'd usually walk around in a daze for about an hour, looking like this, just kind of wondering what happened and why I'm awake. Then I'd watch cartoons. And then I'd go to work. Who knows, maybe I was missing something by not heading down to the local Bagel shop each day before work. I had a bagel this morning though, and I don't feel any better about being bent over by The Man than I do any other day.

The whole point is, do these people know or want to be in a rut, every morning? I used to know a guy who went to MethBucks EVERY morning. He needed it. NEEDED. Not to mention that he smoked a J in his car before heading into the office, but still, if he didn't get that coffee, and it had to be that specific coffee, he was worthless. Double Frappucino with an extra shot of expresso.

It all looks like a really good marketting scheme to me. Convince people that if they're not buying something every morning then the other people at the Water Cooler won't invite you to see Hootie and the Blowfish that night. Or they'll just pretend they don't know you at the Bar during Happy Hour.