Reply Archive XIII

how are you?
This weekend I avoided narrow disaster at the hands of a psychopathic half-monkey mutant boy from Compton who was holding a burning wrench and a can of gasoline, so I'm doing pretty well.

Ohhh sweeet Jesus! Where are all the updates? I sit in front of usian.org for 25% of every day, or 23.5% of every waking hour-- and what do I see? None, no, not a single bloody change! Goddamnit! This chick just called me buck-o. I think this means I'm getting laid before the turn of the century.
I think that just means the chick is really manly. On a side note, I haven't paid for my hosting in 3 months.

Why is it that joke books and idea books and such always have the title, "1001 jokes" or "101 ways to give a sloth a flea dip" or something? What is it about that "and 1" that makes the book better, or at least more attractive to consumers? Or does it just cost more to put an extra zero instead of a 1 at the end?
Those books are actually produced in Russia, where the terminating 1 means that the book contains secret communist propaganda.

how come it takes you so friggin long to do anything on your site you lazy piece of pig shit?
One time someone called me a piece of dog terd and I was so insulted that I spent the next 4 months huddled underneath a semi truck with a plastic bag full of gatorade. Now, in fear of further slander I don't expose ideas to the outside world, just my imaginary friend Chauncie. He likes everything I write and on Wednesdays we have tea in the park behind the swingset.

How long can you go without peeing?
I don't like to try. Sometimes if you have to pee really bad all the pee gets anxious and tries to come out all at once. That hurts.

Will you have sex with me?
If you're a woman, probably. I've been told that I'm not picky at all.

if love is blind, and god is love, does that make Ray Charles god?
Ray was god for a little while back in the 60's but then he made the mistake of unleashing disco on the world and the title was handed to Hulk Hogan.

have you ever had your colors done? are you a spring, summer, winter, or fall?
I'm no hippy, now stay away from me you dirty freak.

The strangest event to happen on Jan 1, 1920
Although this is technically not a question I went onto the web and found that there was some stupid brit convention on the 1st in 1920. here's the page I foudn it at: Brit Gathering Page

What is an important piece of trivia from the 1920's?
It's very important and highly interesting to know that the Earth was still thought to be flat during the 1920's. People say that Columbus and his era had something to do with it but this is actually a cover up used to make your grandparents seem less ignorant.

How did you and Cracktoad meet?
I think in reality it's because I was joining random channels on IRC, but it's much more fun to believe that I found him in the depths of a heroin induced rage running through the streets of NYC with nothing on but a bowler hat and some plaid socks.

why in hore's name is this lady asking me if i can support her printer? i am ROADRUNNER techincal support, "okay mam, did Roadrunner give you this printer at installation? They didn't? Then we don't god damn support it then do we?" Now describe what Marsellus Wallace looks like! Does roadrunner look like a bitch? Then why you training to fuck roadrunner like one? Now Roadrunner doesn't like be fucked by anyone except MCI! Theres a little passage i got memorized for just this sort of.................(this is not toad, crackhore.com forever, fuck steam)
I dunno, I think the Roadrunner looks like she'd (if it's female) be one hell of a bitch.

I want to do my math professor?
This would actually depend on a number of things, 1) is your math professor of the desired sex? 2) does your math professor have a significant other and if so is he/she faithful to them or is your math professor just a dirty rotten cheating bitch. errr I mean will they consider an affair with you. 3) are you doing okay in math class? 4) would you do your math professor if they were to shave their head? -- if you answered yes to 2 or more of these questions then yes, you want to do your math professor. I suggest making sure it's good sex so you boost your grade by at least a full letter. If your math professor is an older man, you may have a chance to jump to an A+ no matter what.

Why haven't I heard from you lately you butthead? --VDS
Because you call me butthead. Oh and I'm incredibly unresponsive to anyone except those who are in my immediate vicinity.

Sometimes when im takig a dump, these strange little creatures, i like to call them "poop demons" climb out of my butt and run around my work's bathroom. They fly around the floor screaming very loudly in what i think may be French or one of the other romantic languages. After a few minutes the poop demons have trouble breathing from because of the pure oxygen they are breathing and they put their hands on their hands and start screaming. They then flee back into my buttocks, climb in one at a time and i am able to poop as normal. This is really cool the first few times it happens but when your in a hurry it gets annoying. Is there a surgery that i can go through to get these poop demons removed or at least calmed down? (Not a toad question, but visit www.crackhore.com)
There may be a sort of laxative that you can take to get the poop demons out a little faster, possibly before they have time to generate offspring in your bowels. However, if your poop demons are French like you suspect you will have a little bit more of a problem. As you may know the Canadians have been trying to get the French out of their country for a very long time with no success. If this is the case, you're probably going to have a butt full of frenchies for a very long time.

When we mourn the death of someone we know, how much are we mourning their death versus our own certain mortality?
When it comes time to think about dead people I know, say at a funeral, I usually start by thinking about how uncomfortable I feel in the nice stuffy clothing, then I progress on to constraint against making jokes at teh expense of teh deceased, I'll move on to a little mourning for the lost one after that followed finally by thoughts of any widows that might be hot enough to ask if they need to be consoled over dinner that night. If it turns out that I'm deeply grief striken I would say I think about my own mortality 30% over the 60% spent thinking of the dead and 10% wondering if people at the funeral noticed I farted and are just too sad to say anything